FIRST DO NO HARM
(from Partnering in
Shain's upcoming book)
Partner sex is a delicate exchange
between two inherently vulnerable people sharing body and soul
together on a very deep level. Never underestimate the risk of
one or both parties getting hurt, however lightly you
approach the relationship. There are emotional consequences to
any sexual encounter. The more caringly you conduct yourself
toward your partner, the happier you will both be.
needn't be committed, in love, or any more emotionally involved
than you wish to be. You're completely entitled to your
boundaries and limitations - as long as you're honest about
them. Never pretend to have feelings that you don’t have, or
tell someone you love them when it’s not true. However,
when you partner with another person sexually, you owe it to
them -and to yourself- to honor each other's body and spirit by
being respectful and considerate. You owe it to the relationship
to do no harm.
If you can't do this much, then
you're essentially using your partner as an objectified sex-toy.
People are not toys; they can’t be fixed or discarded if they
get broken. If this is where you’re at, masturbate instead! Then
you can be as self-centered and self-indulgent as you want.
That's fine when you’re flying solo.
But don't kid yourself about
partner sex. It’s intimate stuff that has emotional consequences
which you need to be sensitive to. If you’re not ready to accept
this responsibility, then you're really not ready to share
intimacy with a partner.
Some people treat sex like a
drunken binge, pretending that it provides a forum to be selfish
and self-indulgent. Others rationalize shoddy treatment of their
partner with shallow catechisms: "I don't want to give the wrong
impression. It's not like I want to be involved with them",
"It's just recreational sex", or "I didn't make any promises.”
While all of these are legitimate standpoints, none of them
are excuses to callously injure another person’s psyche with
three classic examples of what not to do:
"When I took off my clothes, he looked me over and verbally
evaluated my body; nice ass, breasts too small, belly not toned
enough. I felt like the parts of me which he didn't approve of
weren’t worth touching. In fact, that's just what I felt like:
body parts. Like I'd been butchered".
Jorge: "I did everything I
could to give her a great orgasm with oral sex. Then she rolled
over and started watching television, ignoring me while I lay
there completely frustrated."
"He was inside me; I opened from my core. Then after he came he
got right up and walked out the door with a casual 'later'. I
felt humiliated and worthless".
Behavior like this
toward your lover is unacceptable in any sexual relationship.
Partner sex entails taking care of your partner’s wellbeing, as
well as your own. Whether the enactment of a single encounter or
the expression of a lifetime together, it should affirm both
your souls, not cause psychic wounds.
each other's hearts gently.
Copyright ©2014 Shain Stodt. All Rights Reserved.